Friday, 5 June 2009

IS YOUR STARSIGN MAKING YOU FAT?

A few weeks ago, I wrote that, in a moment of horrified revelation, I'd realised I'd put on nearly a stone. Since then, I have been obediently following the WeightWitches instructions, and if I'm not quite out of the woods, I have at least lost enough to wriggle into the generous end of the Summer wardrobe. Success is in my sights. Or it is as long as Mr Trefusis doesn't walk off in the middle of a - what shall we call it? - free and frank discussion, leaving me mouthing like a goldfish mid sentence and grabbing furiously at some cheering chocolate. 

But is there more to this than simply a lack of willpower?  Once upon a time, I studied astrology and used to write the odd column or two for some well known magazines. After a long absence, I've revived my interest in matters horoscopic, and it got me thinking: could my starsign be making me fat? 

Actually, as a Pisces, I've definitely a reason to blame it on the zodiac: Pisces has the least willpower of anyone, and adores forbidden fruit, particularly the kind that's eleventy three thousand points at Weightwitches.

So I dusted off the text-books and did a little swotting, and I reckon the zodiac might have some helpful advice for those looking to shed a few pounds for summer, whatever their sign. So without further ado, here is the Mrs Trefusis Guide to Astro-dieting....

CANCER: June 22-July 23
Are the stars on your figure's side? Food dictates your emotions - you get moody if not fed regularly, or if denied your favourite comfort foods. But you're fit and strong and can burn off big meals if you want to.
Most likely to make you fat? PMS sends you insane with desire for chocolate and sweets every month. And watch out for emotional crises: for Cancerians nothing comforts better than cake.
Eat right: Stave off cravings: to alleviate your food/emotion thing, make sure you're getting enough B vitamins (deficiency is linked to depression). B for instance, in bananas, avocado and fish can ease PMS symptoms.
Maybe it's because I'm Cancerian? Childhood habits linger with you, so if you always had to clear your plate, or were never allowed sweets, chances are you're still obeying mummy.

LEO: July 24-Aug23
Are the stars on your figure's side? For proud Leos, thinness has nothing to do with health - it's all about looking fabulous and wrigging into designer clothes.
Most likely to make you fat? Your love of good living conflicts with your glamorous side: but you can bet your bottom dollar (or just your bottom) that Leo Jennifer Lopez had to choose between a passion for fine dining and wearing skinny jeans
Eat right: If you've overindulged, try a detoxing juice fast. Three days will have you bright-eyed and busy-tailed. Watch the fat content of your favourite foods: Leo rules the heard, so steer clear of no-carb diets that narrow your arteries as well as your hip measurements.
Maybe it's because I'm a Leo? Leos like individual attention - a personal trainer will give you the encouragement to strive for faster results

VIRGO: Aug 24-Sept23
Are the stars on your figure's side? Virgos are the health freaks of the zodiac: you're body aware and health-conscious. But you can overdo it, leaving you prone to food intolerances.
Most likely to make you fat: Virgos tend to be slim - all that nervous energy. But you can feel fat from bloating if you have food sensitivities.
Eat right: You have energy slumps - try eating little and often to even out the gaps. Food combining is an old fashioned solution which might just help if you suffer from that bloated feeling.
Maybe it's because I'm a Virgo? Your eating goes awry when you're stressed, and since you're the worry monster of the zodiac, this can be often. And of course, for you, the devil's in the detail - if you suspect you might have allergies, keep a food diary.

LIBRA: Sept24-Oct23
Are the star's on your figure's side? Librans like to look beautiful in a shapely, womanly way. Just as well, as you have a sweet tooth and a reputation for laziness.
Most likely to make you fat? Just about everything. But you are the best-looking sign, even if you are bone idle - you'd take liposuction over gym sessions any day. You're also brilliant at persuading yourself that struggling into a pair of Spanx is easily as effective as working out with one of those power bands.
Eating right: You like to look good in clothes, and this may necessitate some sacrifices. be a food puritan: if it's fattening, just don't buy it, because like your fellow Libran, Oscar Wilde, you can resist anything except temptation
Maybe it's because I'm a Libran? Libra is, of course, the sign of the scales - try for a balance. If you overdo it one day, cut back the next.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 23
Are the stars on your figure's side? You have plenty of willpower, though you can keep it hidden. You either treat your body as a temple, or abuse it mercilessly.
Most likely to make you fat? You've got self-control, but you think moderation is for wimps - so you go for a big blowout just because you can. You also love hot, spicy food, and red Thai curries are hardly lo-cal.
Eat right: Flush out toxins: eat cleansing foods like stewed apple and drink lots of water. Try a detox fast once in a while, and colonic irrigation may be useful.
Maybe it's because I'm a Scorpio? Go for challenging exercise, like distance running - as the most intense sign, you'll push it to extremes. An ulterior motive also works for Scorpio motivation: remember that the running club is often full of tasty blokes.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23-Dec 21
Are the stars on your figure's side? Sagittarius rules the hips and thighs - all you consume may go straight to the bottom line. You do overindulge, but on the plus sign, Sagittarius is the most naturally sporty of all the signs.
Most likely to make you fat? The party lifestyle gets Sagittarians every time - you're the bon vivant of the zodiac. Um, how many units did you drink this evening?
Eat right: Watch portion size. Jupiter, your ruling planet, likes nothing so much as a plate heaped with food, so avoid the 'all you can eat buffet' like the plague.
Maybe it's because I'm a Sagittarian? Your sign rules foreign things and adores the exotic. Swot up on the calories in a Tikka Masala before nipping down the 'Taj Mahal' on a Friday night. 

CAPRICORN Dec 22-Jan 20
Are the stars on your figure's side? You've got serious self-control on the one hand, but the ability to be horribly self-critical on the other. Somehow, slim is never slim enough. Don't let yourself be undermined by your own high standards.
Most likely to make you fat? You're a very traditional eater: meat with potatoes, followed by a proper pudding. And you do love pudding.
Eat right: Be strict. You have appearances to keep up and your ruler, Saturn, give you restraint. If you're a workaholic Capricorn, and many are, plan ahead and make a healthy sandwich to bring from home for lunchtime so you don't ever have to leave your desk.
Is it because I'm a Capricorn? Capricorn rules the skeleton, so don't forget to keep your calcium intake high with low-fat dairy. According to the latest research, dairy products also help keep the weight off too.

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19
Are the stars on your figures side? Aquarians have a reputation for being interested in food first and foremost as fuel, and get geeky about nutrition. But even Aquarians find protein shakes with a wheatgrass chaser fail to hit the spot. And then it all goes to pot.
Most likely to make you fat? Yo-yo dieting is the Aquarian curse: you find fad diets irresistible - you name it, you've tried it, from Alli to Atkins. And when the pounds pile on again, you're on Amazon, scoping out the latest bestseller.
Eat right: Use your inquisitiveness to educate yourself about food and nutrition, so you can make more of an informed decision about what the diet books are selling you.
Is it because I'm an Aquarian? Sometimes you just think food is irrelevant: in the Aquarian vision of the future, we'll all be eating pills instead. But in the real world, remember that you have the self-control of a Capricorn and the willpower of a Scorpio: yes, one day you will make it from pig to twig.

Pisces Feb 20-March 20
Are the stars on your figure's side? Poor Pisces - you're the sign for whom the phrase 'the road to hell is paved with good intentions' was invented. You get it both ways - you're ruled by Jupiter, so you share Sagittarians love of giving it large, and by Neptune, so you also quite like to use food and drink in an, ahem, medicinal capacity. Three martinis to the wind and it's your canape hell.
Most likely to make you fat? You hate to hurt people's feelings by saying 'no'. Stop it- people will still like you if you refuse a second helping, or admit you're on a diet.
Eat right: You don't have an inbuilt 'stop' mechanism. If you ate til you felt full, you'd never leave the table. Set yourself limits.
Is it because I'm a Piscean? Most Pisceans use the excuse that trainers are too ugly to avoid getting into gym kit. True, but running in kitten heels is very dangerous.

Aries March 21-April 20
Are the stars on your figure's side? Lucky you. You're energetic, always on the go. Food is fuel to burn off as you rush through the day. What's more, your sign likes exercise, even if you don't. And you also tend to get quick results. Most gratifying.
Most likely to make you fat? You can be tempted by fast food, mainly because you have a temper tantrum if you don't eat the minute you realise you're hungry. Your idea of a well-stocked kitchen is one with a selection of takeaway menus.
Eat right: You need carbs to keep your energy high, and to stop yourself being ambushed by hunger. MacDonalds is not the answer.
Is it because I'm an Aries? Aries likes their exercise action packed, fast, furious and challenging, so if you're feeling bored by pilates and frustrated by yoga, try kick-boxing instead. You're also very goal oriented, so diets work best when you set yourself deadlines like x number of pounds by x date.

Taurus April 21-May 21
Are the stars on your figure's side? You only have to look at spaghetti carbonara on a menu for it to show on the scales. The stars gave you an appreciation of good food, fine wine and nice restaurants and your idea of exercise is walking to the car. Oops.
Most likely to make you fat? Feeling like you deserve a treat. But don't reward progress with food: take yourself shopping for beautiful clothes instead.
Eat right: You do have willpower, and that legendary Taurean stubbornness simply means that you have the kind of tenacity to keep a diet going even when you've plateau'd. You also like routine, so planning your week's menus and shopping accordingly can save you masses of calories.
Is it because I'm a Taurus? Taurus is a sign that loves sensual pleasures, but being the gourmet of the zodiac isn't good for the waistline. Nor does the fact that you like the comfort of feeling full. Soup is your very best friend. Pints of it will work miracles (without cream, silly)

Gemini May 22-June 21
Are the stars on your figure's side? Geminis live on nervous energy and prefer fresh, simple food to gourmet blowouts, which helps to keep a trim waistline. Maybe it's because you're so easily distracted that you often find something more interesting to do than finish a meal.
Most likely to make you fat? If you're portly, could it be that you're a bit too fond of the local Tapas bar? Geminis love meals that comprise of lots of little dishes but you need to be careful with your choices. Go in search of a Bento Box instead.
Eat right: Eat little and often. You need frequent feeding to keep you going. It's not just the boredom factor that puts you off a banquet, it's the way big meals bloat you out. Finger foods and canapes offer the kind of variety you find fascinating, but don't forget that food eaten standing up still counts.
Is it because I'm a Gemini? You get bored of diets and revert to your bad old ways before you can say ennui. And you're an incorrigible snacker. Are crudite's the answer? 



20 comments:

rainsinger said...

As a Cancerian with a Scorpio Moon, what makes me most fat is diets. I do enjoy my feelings of security and food and love are the ultimate in security to me. And while the latter is subject to human error and hiatus, the former is always there - all creamy and soothing.

I don't do too badly with allowing my body to self-regulate (provided I'm not bored or stressed) but the instant I make a conscious choice not to eat something the contrary Cancerian within feels threatened and deprived and waaaaaaaaaaaah! craving.

On the other hand I have an equally contary Scorpio Moon and have achieved excellent results by going on hunger strike as a response to inappropriate commentary from my loved ones (because apparently, the only thing that tastes better than food is stubborness and the knowledge you're driving someone insane)

vicki archer said...

I hope your wrong, as an Aquarian I am a nightmare by the sounds of this!...enjoy the weekend, xv.

Lucy (The Fashion Setter) said...

I'm a Cancerine... that's right, I never lost weight on a diet. Just when do something I really enjoy, as when I travel, for instance!
Lucy =)

theharridan said...

spot on...i feel a low-cal day coming on (after yesterday's chocolate croissant debauchedness). Librans as best looking? Excellent!

Helena Halme said...

Now I understand my complicated relationship with food. I fall between signs. As an Aries I like fast & furious exercise but this gives me a wonderful excuse to submit to the gourmet loving side. All I need to do is kill off the Taurus.

Red Shoes said...

I am so very full-blooded Taurus that I fear I am doomed. Good food and that comfortable full-feeling are what make me feel like life is worth living. God, I love food. So much! It's as good as fashion to me. Maybe better. Imagine that.

(Very) Lost in France said...

Capricorn so apparently I have self-control. Hmm, doesn't sound like me but on the other hand... puddings. Maybe not so far off the mark.

Wife in Hong Kong said...

I'm a Gemini and you're spot on!

Petulia said...

Such perfect description: capricorn and pudding do go hand in hand, but so does the sense of guilt and rigor, hence the 2 hour run in the morning. Thanks for this!

Kate Lord Brown said...

Also contemplating walk of shame to WW (all the willpower of Imelda Marcos in Jimmy Choo). Little girl is Pisces - adorable. I'm Leo - clearly far too much lolling around in sun nibbling on zebras ...

Rose said...

That's really interesting. I'm a Capricorn but have never been able to bring my own lunch. I just consider one of the rewards of going to work being getting something scrummy at lunch time- and looking at all the nice food available. Sadly I too often pick something nice and fattening rather than something nice that is salad.

mothership said...

fascinating stuff. I am also a Pisces (now dying to know your birthday - how close are we?!) and also ACHED with recognition and laughter (though not really funny, is it) at the need for high density caloric comfort when husband walks off in middle of F&FD (mine does this too, cue deep dark fantasies of crossbow nature - just got around to reading We Need to Talk About Kevin). Instead have spent weekend stuffing face with enormous amounts of food to damp down rage and also be companionable to guests when I'm not even HUNGRY.
So annoying. I hate being fat.
I've decided to change tack, however, and not only drop any threatening poundage but also annoy husband by just smiling and not cooking or eating supper for the next couple of weeks (obviously will feed children, though). Find this enormously satisfying and effective on a number of levels.
Can you guess my rising sign? xo

nishitak said...

You're so right.I am a Leo and I love my personal trainer

My rising sign is Virgo, unfortunately, I have none of their deisciplined eating habits...Bad!

Lucy Fishwife said...

Oh Mrs T you have once again hit the astro-nail on the head. I am a Pisces and every time someone wafts a tray of bruschetta under my nose I get all choked up at the thought of them weeping in the kitchen over my rejection of their hard work.

Welsh Girl said...

As a Gemini I have to say that crudites are NEVER THE ANSWER! Chocolate is.... (I say this as I eat a Kit Kat so I am well qualified). I wish my nervous energy burnt up calories. In fact it means I flit to the kitchen cupboard more often than other people. Darn it. Still, I loved the post and I bet there is a book in it which would take the world by storm and make you a gazillionaire....

exromana said...

this is such a fascinating post, only you MrsT, can write like this. brilliance. loved the correlations loads. xoxo

monk said...

Unfortunately, my Taurean stubbornness keeps me eating, but I'm extremely easily swayed when supposedly on a diet. Or when dinner is supposedly finished...

MsMarmitelover said...

Hmm, well I do have a tendency to be on the 'voluptuous' side. I have Libra rising (which never looks skinny). Your rising sign is what you look like physically.
But the venus exactly conjunct jupiter doesn't exactly help, neither does my Moon conjunct Neptune in Scorpio.
All the water signs tend to retain water, their weight oscillates with their emotions.
Taurus' like their grub. Pisces are just lushes, that is, if they are not gurus.
Thinnest signs tend to be Aquarius, Capricorn, Virgo, Sag, Aries, Gemini.

Completely Alienne said...

Sigh.... either I am the wrong kind of Virgo, or my stress levels are MUCH higher than I thought. I'll go for the latter, at least then it is someone else's fault.

Iheartfashion said...

As a fellow Pisces, I thank you for providing me another excuse for my weight gain.